So recently, a friend of mine - an expecting dad - put out a call to his friends on facebook asking about impending parenthood. He wrote,

“PPSTT, MOMS! I’m gonna be a dad soon and my wife’s off the grid at the moment, so what are all the winning dad/husband moves in those early days post-pregnancy? I can delete this before she’s back and act like I just came up with all this...”

First, let’s take a moment and recognize just how lovely and loving it is that he is proactively trying to do everything he can to support his wife as she goes through this enormously life changing experience of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and then motherhood. Partners and future partners, take note!

Given that I’ve had three children and work in perinatal mental health, I had a lot of thoughts so I thought I’d share them here, though, to be clear, this is by no means an exhaustive list:

1. Clean the house from top to bottom (or hire cleaners if you can).

2. If she pumps, wash the pump parts for her.

3. Make sure she has water at all times.

4. If she nurses, make sure her phone, remote control, tablet, water bottle, and snack are all within arms reach. A one handed water bottle is key, I love the contigo ones.

5. Make a batch of lactation cookies. (I posted a recipe here: https://www.cindykimtherapy.com/blog/2020/5/25/postpartum-pelvic-floor-and-cookies)

6. Get her a beer or wine if she wants!

7. Take pictures of her and the baby. I have a billion pictures of my kids, few of me.

8. Encourage her to speak to someone or join a support group if it seems like things are hard past the baby blues. Validate, validate, validate. Be there with her in her emotions. Sometimes you don't have to fix the problems. Sometimes, you just have to say "yes, this sucks. You're doing a great job. But I completely feel how shitty it is right now." And then, after she's felt totally heard and like you get it and that you even share in it, then, you can start working on how to fix it (or don’t, sometimes you can’t fix it.)

9. It's not easy becoming a mom, but don't forget it's also not easy becoming a dad (or non-birthing partner). Take care of yourself too. Don't always feel like you have to be the strong one. PPD in dads/partners is a thing, don't hesitate to reach out if your are feeling some kind of way. While I'm at it, it's not just postpartum depression to be aware of, there's postpartum anxiety, rage, bipolar, ocd, trauma, etc.

10. It's okay if either or neither of you immediately connects with your baby, it's not uncommon, you'll get there. But if you’re questioning a lack of connection with the baby, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional who can either normalize and validate or support you in whatever is blocking that connection (e.g. depression, anxiety, or trauma).

11. Take help where it's being offered and ask for help if it's not.

12. Set boundaries, especially during covid times if that feels right for you, people will get over it.

13. Love each other. Loving each other doesn’t have to be big, dramatic gestures. They can be small shoulder squeezes, getting takeout from each other’s favorite place, sitting next to each other on the couch, making coffee for your partner, etc.

14. Be gentle with yourself. Try not to start sentences with, “I should…", alot of times those sentences go down a path of self-criticism and self-judgment.

If you’re interested in diving a bit deeper and creating a detailed postpartum plan, click here to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists.

I encourage you to read more about how our practice can support you in Pregnancy and Postpartum.