As a budding social worker in grad school, my professors and field supervisors preached self-care day in and day out as a tool to prevent burnout. The idea was that if you care about the work you’re doing, then you have to do what you can to preserve your capacity to continue in it. Doing the work of parenting in normal times can carry with it a heavy burden (along with joy, of course). Add in two pandemics and the work begins to require Herculean strength, infinite patience, and the self-sacrifice of Mother Theresa, not to mention the super power ability to be in two places at once (i.e. job and childcare) and arts and crafts skills (which, to me, feel superpower-like given how un-crafty I am).

Are you nearly or completely burned out?

I am!

In truth, I suspect, we all are. In fact, I’ll wager that most folks are experiencing burnout, whether or not they have kids. Essential workers who’ve been out in the field since day one are burned out. Many workers with the fortune to be able to work from home are burned out. (I’ve heard from so many clients that their employers have taken to expecting employees to be available at all times given that none of us has much else we’re doing these days. It’s hard to set boundaries especially when so many folks are feeling insecure about the stability of their financial independence.) None of us has the natural decompression time that separates our work and personal lives through commuting or appointments. For parents of young children, in particular, this means that the second your job work ends, your parenting work begins and vice versa.

But, what the heck are you supposed to do about it when, in truth, it feels like you just don’t have the time or opportunity to practice what self-care means to you? It’s not so easy these days to decide to get a massage, go to the gym, or lay out at the pool. It can feel hard, even, to get a moment to read a book or meditate. The decision to meet up with friends (socially distant, of course), is fraught with fear, sadness, and discomfort.

Additionally, I’ve often struggled with the concept of self-care as being a time-limited activity. Your burnout may be pushed to the back of your mind while enjoying an emotionally supportive experience, but if the source of the burnout hasn’t changed then that brief respite is just that, a respite. You go right back to feeling burned out when you return to normal life. Hopefully, that feel-good sensation stays with you for at least a little bit but given the never-ending feeling of COVID, eventually, for most people, you’re right back where you started.

And then, I read a short article written by Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology and pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. In large print at the top of the screen was written, “How do I practice self-care when I have no time?” Yes! How DO you do that? The article turns what we typically understand self-care to be, on it’s head, and redefines it as self-compassion. It’s not about carving time out for some kind of activity, it’s instead a particular “mindset toward suffering.” This really revolutionizes things and feels more effective at combatting burnout at it’s core. Currently, there isn’t much we can do to mitigate the effect coronavirus has had on our lives, but we can work to change our mindset toward it.

[I don’t pretend to have any better words than Kristin herself, so I’m going to paste here the pertinent points though I’m not sure if I may be committing a blogging cardinal sin in doing so…forgive me!]

“This is where self-compassion comes in. It doesn't take extra time out of your day; it's a mindset toward suffering. It's practiced whenever things get challenging—on the job, not off the job. Self-compassion is focused on being emotionally supportive to yourself in times of difficulty, and it has three main components: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. 

First, you become aware of your distress. Instead of suppressing your pain and just "soldiering on," or getting lost in it and becoming overwhelmed, you are aware of our pain in an accepting manner. You acknowledge how hard it is in the moment. 

Next, you connect with the common human experience of stress and difficulty, realizing that trying to meet the needs of others is an inherently challenging yet rewarding aspect of the human experience. You are not alone in feeling this way.

Finally, you are kind and tender toward yourself. Try including the type of supportive internal language that you might naturally use with a friend: "This is so hard. I'm here for you. What can I do to help?" You can put your hand on your heart or some other place on the body that feels safe and comforting to physically express your care. Relating to your stress with self-compassion in the moment is what you need to survive and get through.

For more information on self-compassion, including practices, research, and a self-compassion test, go to self-compassion.org.”

If you’re anything like me, there’s at least a small skeptical voice inside questioning, “does this actually work?” “This feels a little too hippie dippie for me.” “I’m going to feel silly.” I’m choosing to challenge that voice and try something new that may feel a little uncomfortable but could be incredibly fruitful. I challenge you as well, to put aside your own resistance to something new and explore how active and intentional self-compassion can help you to manage through what can feel so unmanageable. In fact, do it now. Don’t just read and scroll. Take this moment to take stock of your internal landscape, acknowledge the tough feelings, know that you are not alone in them, and treat yourself with care, support, and non-judgment. Give yourself a metaphorical hug and then report back!

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