For perhaps obvious reasons, I've had a number of potential clients reach out to me in recent times specifically because I'm Asian. These clients are themselves Asian-American and are interested in meeting with someone who shares a similar background as they in order to discuss cultural identity issues with greater depth and comprehension. Over the years of having a private practice, the numbers of Asian-Americans reaching out for therapy has increased - a trend that speaks to a slow but sure erosion of the stigma that is often attached to seeking out psychotherapy. It perhaps also speaks to an increasing awareness of the limits American society places on persons of color and an unlearning of the internalized model minority myth.
It doesn’t surprise me that confusion or angst over cultural identity can be a problem for Asian-Americans or really, any person of color in the United States, considering my own thoughts have often dwelled on the question of identity from time to time in the past. Growing up, it sometimes felt like I carried a passport around with me, entering the United States when I went to school and entering South Korea when I stepped into my house or church. The rules, customs, food, and language were completely different. As I got older, my two distinct cultural identities sometimes conflicted with one another and made life a bit more complicated. My family was very involved in the local Korean-American community and I would feel pressure from them to conform to the standards they understood and believed in. At the same time, I was encouraged to assimilate with American culture in order to do well in school and become successful professionally. All the while, mainstream society tended to view me as “other” no matter what I did. Eventually, it can become difficult for the individual to reconcile the internal conflict and nearly impossible to please everyone including oneself, though typically this doesn’t keep folks from trying (and failing) over and over and over!
Fortunately, my experience was relatively benign but you can see how things could get confusing and for some folks, it can be a major source of pain. In writing this post, I decided to do a bit of internet research on the topic first, googling the search term “perpetual foreigner”. I clicked on just about the first item of the page - an NIH research study from 2011. The second paragraph was nearly word for word what I was planning on writing as a personal anecdote of being “othered”. I’ll share it here:
“Where are you from?” This benign question is commonly asked during social interactions, and the answer often leads to interesting conversations with strangers or acquaintances. But what if an answer like “Lincoln, Nebraska,” “Baltimore, Maryland,” or “Modesto, California” does not suffice for the questioner? Indeed, ethnic minorities, especially Asian Americans and Latino/as, are often asked follow-up questions like, “No, where are you really from?” or “I meant, where are you originally from?” (Liang, Li, & Kim, 2004; Sue, Capodilupo et al., 2007). At least under some circumstances, experiences such as these may be perceived by some ethnic minorities as a message that they do not share the American identity or have in-group status; therefore, these experiences may have negative implications for their identity and adjustment. Thus, in a series of three studies involving three major American ethnic minority groups, we sought to demonstrate that members of ethnic minorities are aware of this perpetual foreigner stereotype (Cheryan & Monin, 2005; Devos & Banaji, 2005), and this awareness is linked to their sense of belonging to American society, sense of conflict between ethnic and national identities, and psychological adjustment. Huynh, Devos, & Smalarz, 2011
I read that paragraph and wow, I felt so seen!
The sense of being seen, of being understood, is so incredibly valuable for human beings. It counters the pain and distress of feeling alone. To be transparent, one of the main interventions of therapy that I typically employ is simply to be an active, supportive listener. The practice of active listening and being super present for my client’s inner world seeks to eliminate any sense of alone as he or she shares their pain. That sense of connection within the therapy relationship while discussing distressing thoughts, emotions, or memories gets a client at least 50% of the way towards healing. Inherently important in active listening is validation and acknowledgement of another person’s experiences without question or judgment. Imagine if I recounted the above story of feeling frustrated by the response so many people give of, “No, no, I mean, where are you really from?” and my listener responded with, “Oh, but you know they don’t mean anything by that”? (This is not just imagination…) Giving the listener the benefit of the doubt, most likely he or she would have been trying to make me feel better. Instead, the impact of their words would have felt like a dismissal or a diminishing of the validity of my experience. Not only was my identity put into question, but my emotions about the incident were also denied.
When we see a person we care for in pain, it’s a natural instinct to want to solve it for that person. Sadly, when it comes to racial trauma, it’s not so easy to make it go away. Racism, intentional or otherwise, is not a simple problem with a simple solution. Thankfully, the vast majority of people do not think positively on racism - it makes most of us feel uncomfortable, both emotionally and physically, and the natural self-protective response is to turn away from it. Unfortunately, many folks don’t have the luxury of turning a blind eye as it is frequently shoved in their faces. Therefore, it is incumbent upon us all to exert bravery and strength and choose to turn towards it, head on, shining a light on all its ugliness. It is an act of humanity to choose to be with a person in the experience of their pain, understanding that while we can’t solve the problem, we can at least hold their distress with them in a place of connection and empathy.
Choosing presence is key, honestly, to most of life’s hurts, not just racism. But rarely is it an easy or convenient thing to do, especially when we’re dealing with our own baggage at the same time. Fortunately, doing the right thing usually makes both parties feel better in the end despite how scary it may feel to wade into all the murk. (By the way, it can also be scary for the person who is sharing their pain. They are taking a chance exposing their vulnerability without any guarantee of how it may be met.) If you’re finding yourself hurting and need a safe place to share your experiences with racism or identity-based prejudice, please read more about our practice’s approach to cultural humility in psychotherapy on our Identity and Culture specialty page.