I remember getting an email from my son’s school back when he was 3 years old that the following day the school would be participating in an active shooter drill. The principal was careful to reassure parents that they would communicate what was happening to the children in an age appropriate manner that wouldn’t scare the kids unnecessarily. He was also clear that the drill was required in order for teachers and staff to be prepared in the event the unthinkable were to happen during school. As I read that email, I was overcome by despair, rage, and derision. In a world in which active shooter drills are a necessary part of elementary school, how could I possibly hope to keep my kids safe? Since then, my children have participated in countless shooter drills and my horror has dulled to a jaded and tired anger.

The other day, I read a news story updating the public about the latest shooting at an outlet mall in Allen, Texas. It took me a few minutes to recognize that this horrific tragedy had happened just that morning. It was such a déjà vu moment that, surely, this must be a recap article of something that had happened earlier in the year, right? Come to think of it, wait, how many shootings have I been horrified by in these five months of 2023? Each news story seems to run into the other, nearly indistinguishable from one another, feeding into what feels like trauma fatigue. The biggest takeaway from the news seems to be that nowhere is safe – schools, metro stations, malls, places of worship, driveways, or parking lots.

Two of my kids with a poster saying “Enough is Enough! Protect Kids Not Guns” at the 2018 March for our Lives, Washington, DC

Each time one of these preventable tragedies happens, parents come to therapy struggling with anxiety, pain, and rage. Of course they do! While it’s normal to be concerned about your child’s safety when they are crossing a street or biking on the road for the first time, it’s completely abnormal to be worried about their safety while sitting in their elementary school classroom or exchanging birthday gifts at the mall. What should be an irrational anxiety has become normalized and valid due to the very real traumas that happen with frightening frequency in our communities. That being said, when the anxiety gets so overwhelming and all-consuming, it makes living in our present nearly impossible and robs us of joy and wellbeing. This anxiety begins to control us, dictate our behaviors, and have an impact on how we show up for our loved ones, our workplaces, and ourselves. The question becomes how do we manage this anxiety in a way that doesn’t dismiss the very real fears and yet allows you to step away from the worry and move from basic survival towards thriving. I’ll be honest with you and say that it’s not easy and yet it’s vital to your mental health.

*Before I share some strategies that might help you to manage your anxiety, I want to acknowledge that there is a deep injustice here. You shouldn’t have to manage your anxiety. In an ideal world, our society would come together and make these shootings a tragic part of US history. Anxiety about gun violence should feel more irrational than it does presently. And so, I join you in your frustration, resentment, grief, and desperate hope.

In the wake of news reports of mass shootings, if you find yourself ruminating over the threat of gun violence to your family’s safety in a way that feels unhealthy, circular, and ultimately unproductive, you might consider the following steps in order to find a healthier balance of staying aware of scary events without being controlled by anxiety.

Limit exposure to media: Constant exposure to news and social media coverage of mass shootings can increase anxiety and cause a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. While it's important to stay informed, try to set boundaries for yourself on how much news and social media you consume about traumatic events. The internet and social media can function like a black hole that sucks up your attention deeper and deeper until you find yourself spending hours focusing single-mindedly on trauma and tragedy. This absorption, in itself, can end up being an experience of vicarious trauma that keeps you stuck in your anxiety. You might consider choosing a specific time of the day to catch up on news, and avoid checking news updates constantly. You might also consider asking your partner or friend to support you in limiting your media exposure.
Talk to your children: While you may feel the urge to shield your children from the news, it's important to talk to them in an age-appropriate way. Assure them that they are safe, but also acknowledge that such incidents can happen. As they get older, your conversations can take on more nuance and critical thinking in a way that feels empowering for your children. Reassure them that you are there to protect them and that there are people whose job it is to keep them safe.
* Major caveat here: I get it, the entire time you’re telling your kids they are safe, you may be thinking to yourself, “this is a bald-faced lie.” Preventing gun violence feels completely out of your control and certainly, for a lot of people, society’s protectors feel threatening rather than sources of safety. It’s a level of cognitive dissonance that is incredibly uncomfortable and brings your own sense of lack of safety squarely front and center. Be kind to yourself and do your best. In truth, the knowledge that you love them, no matter what, is all kids typically need to feel safe.
Focus on what you can control: Anxiety can make you feel helpless and out of control. Instead of focusing on what you can't control, identify what you can. Take steps to prepare for an emergency, such as talking to your family about emergency protocols and identifying safe places in your home and community. It may feel empowering to you to add your voice to any advocacy efforts in your city, state, or on the federal level that work towards eliminating gun violence. You might consider taking a personal safety course in order to feel more confident in your body’s ability to respond in the face of emergency even when trauma has taken your brain offline. Put one step in front of the other, at your own pace, bringing normalcy back into your routine.
Live in the present: Anxiety is typically future focused and worst-case scenario based. It’s far easier to say than to practice, but the more that you can notice that you are perseverating on future fears and choose, instead, to pivot towards living in your present moment, the more you are wresting back control of living your life from your anxiety.
Practice self-care: Taking care of your mental health is essential to managing anxiety. Get back to basics - make sure you are getting enough sleep, exercise, hydration and nutrition. Take breaks when you need them, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Practicing mindfulness and deep breathing exercises can also help you manage anxiety in the moment. Find self-compassion for those moments when your anxiety takes hold. Breathe through it and be gentle and kind to yourself. If you’re like me, these are also moments when I choose to cuddle with my dog – his happiness and exuberance are a balm to my soul.
Seek support: You don't have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family, or your kids’ school community for support. Lean on them for strength and reassurance when you are in short supply of both for yourself. You might also consider seeking out some professional help through psychotherapy. Our therapists are here to support you, don’t hesitate to reach out if you are finding yourself in need.

If you’re interested in learning a bit more about how our practice approaches anxiety treatment, please click on this link and reach out if you have any questions about our practice.

Be safe,
Cindy